Today was the first time I’ve really doubted my call to nursing. Emotionally strained and physically tired, I found myself questioning if this is really what God has for me. It was my very last day of my peds rotation and I spent it in the Emergency Department. It was actually a relatively uneventful morning. The ‘wintry mix’ last night kept many from venturing out, so I arrived to a number of empty rooms and a quiet waiting area. The nurse I was shadowing showed me around the department (can you even imagine a 72 bed ED?!) and I was of course impressed with at how gorgeous and pt/family/med staff friendly it was. She then led me into the trauma room and told me about some of the cases they have gotten there. It was there, in the stark white sterility of the trauma room that I had this moment of overwhelming emotion, realizing just what I am considering getting myself into. The worst of events that involve children in the Philadelphia area go into this room. And this is where I feel called to be?
I guess it would be more appropriate to say not that I’m so much doubting my love for nursing , but my own ability to really handle such a career. There are areas much less critical than the ED, but I’m only happy in critical care situations. And therein lies my struggle. Am I strong enough, smart enough, skilled enough? I certainly don’t feel like it.
I came home exhausted and recognized that a nap was needed first and foremost if I was going to approach this situation with something more than just tired emotion. I awoke less tired, but still feeling heart-wrenched.
It’s midterm time for me and I have tons of studying to do. Tonight my church Liberti was hosting a Doubt Night to talk about the things that we struggle to come to grips with within the Christian faith. With the amount of studying I have to do, I hardly felt it wise for me to go tonight. And yet with the weight on my mind, I hardly felt I could be anywhere but in communion with other believers seeking to understand God. So I went. And it was good. Steve Huber and Art Boulet led us in discussing the Problem of Evil and how it can be possible that God is both Loving and All Powerful. Brought up in the conversation was the suffering and injustice toward children in this world. I think that’s really what’s at the root of my struggle. How do I find the strength to surround myself with inexplicable tragedy? All day long the questions resonating in my head have been, “How can I handle seeing a child come in with a gunshot wound to the head?” and “How can I talk to that family?”
But above my fears my soul cries, “How can I not be there for that child and family?” It’s true that I don’t understand everything about evil and the violence it produces, but I do know that as a Christian I’m called to be a light in dark places. I do know that Christ overcame evil with love and self-sacrifice and that as his follower I’m called to do the same. If I really believe these things, then really it seems quite reasonable that I feel called to an area full of pain, suffering, and many marks of a fallen world. As Art put it tonight, “we’re called to be in the crap of this world.” God give me strength.
Yes smart enough, yes, strong enough, yes skilled enough. Whatever road you choose Kallie, God will go with you and strengthen you, and we will be here for you.
Kallie, i think you’ve already answered your own doubts.
truth is all of us — no matter how strong our faith is — doubt ourselves from time to time. it seems to be human to wonder if you can do whatever it is you are called to do.
because we can’t fulfill whatever calling God has placed in our hearts on our own. God calls us to great things. to difficult things. and we are asked to respond and follow faithfully.
God provides the power, the knowledge, the strength, the perfect words.
i happen to have a friend who is a nurse. she tells stories on a regular basis of serving someone who has had a terrible trauma of one sort or another. she doesn’t know what to say most of the time. but she prays and God shows her what to say and what to do. people see the love of Christ in her.
i am sure God will do the same for you. i’d bet He’s already doing it.
God bless.
Thanks for the encouragement. I think God’s teaching me more and more that for Him to really work through me I have to step back and recognize that I CAN’T do these things of my own strength, but through His. I actually was talking with a friend tonight whose personality is very similar to mine who spent 7 years working in the ER and adored it. I’m feeling much more peaceful about things….for the moment:)